when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
