youre lurking in front of me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
