I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
