The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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