he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
