Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
