you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
