I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My vagina just clenched in fear
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
