Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
