Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
