Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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