I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
How naked do you want me to be?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
