I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
