did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
we're so committed to being not committed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
