Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's shark week go big or go home
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
