i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
