either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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