Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
