So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
