I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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