i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
