I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
