Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I need water and some morals
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
