i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
