I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
