After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
