Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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