I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
