WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ketchup is God's man juice
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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