I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
