Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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