Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
