farters have to be the big spoon...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
