i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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