question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
