I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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