i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
