I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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