I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Someone came in the potted fern
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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