Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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