I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
