remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
