I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
