Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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