So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
