I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
