3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
