im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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