i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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