he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
